I sat in my living room with bloodshot eyes.
I had cried all the tears my body would allow, and now I sat in silence trying to figure out my next move.
The day before, I had buried my dad on a cold January afternoon. His death had been sudden, and I was still in shock.
I was thirty-one. Even though I knew others had lost their parents at a younger age, I still felt robbed. Just a few weeks earlier, he had been so full of life—feeding my youngest a yogurt parfait in my living room and getting his arm hugged after every bite.
Now, I sat in that same living room with nothing but my family and a bunch of flowers from his funeral.
My spiritual foundation wasn’t prepared for this storm.
While I wasn’t new to my faith, I was still what I would now call a baby Christian. I had grown up in church, going every Sunday and Wednesday. I went on youth mission trips and knew all the words to the latest Christian music songs. Yet despite all of that, I lacked a deep understanding of who God truly is.
As I sat there on my couch, I debated what I could do to numb my mind from all the pain I had experienced over the last week. There were several long nights in the hospital, which unfortunately ended with my mom, my sister and me picking out a casket.
My mind began cycling through possibilities for distractions. A new Netflix series. Binge eating. Maybe even alcohol, though I had never been much of a drinker.
I knew I needed something to take my mind off this excruciating pain.
Even though I was angry with God, something inside of me wanted to understand Him more.
Why did He feel the need to take my father from us when he was newly retired? After everything he had been through in his younger years, why now?
I didn’t understand it. It felt too harsh for a God who was supposed to be loving.
And then a thought crossed my mind.
If I were going to binge anything, maybe it should be the Bible.
Maybe the only thing that could steady my heart was filling my mind with the Word of the Lord.
So that’s exactly what I did.
From Genesis to Revelation and everywhere in between, I read. I studied. I searched the Scriptures looking for who God truly is. I paid attention to the way He revealed Himself and His character to His people. I slowly began to learn things that I never knew before.
What I wasn’t expecting was how the Lord would meet me in those pages.
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