"As Far As It Depends on You"
Romans 12:18 reads,
If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
It's important to note the construction of this sentence. It starts with a conditional clause: "if possible." This has huge implications for us in our relationships, especially when it comes to boundaries.
Paul was saying that sometimes it's not possible to live at peace with someone.
How do we know if "living at peace" is possible? The next phrase helps answer that: "As far as it depends on you."
Now, if you and I were sitting at Starbucks and studying this passage, I would pause and ask you how you felt reading this. If you were honest with me, you might say, "That is so unfair! Why should I have to bear the responsibility of keeping the peace in a strenuous relationship? It's made up of two people — the status of peace shouldn't depend only on me!"
Friend, I feel you, I hear you, and, trust me, there is a part of me that agrees with you.
But I do want to flip the question and ask, What if Paul had written it another way? What if he'd said "as far as it depends on them"?
Now how are you feeling?
That would be even more devastating because it'd leave you truly helpless. You'd be stuck as a bystander while someone else called all the shots.
So when verse 18 puts the ownership on you, it's actually a gift, not a burden. It's a gift because only you can know if you've done all that is possible. Only you have the power and ability to act on your own behalf and create a boundary. This verse is confirming your agency.
All right, let's say you have done everything within your power. What is your next priority?
Again, it's to live at peace with everyone. That's right! It's your goal in every scenario.
If it's possible to live at peace, you're shooting for living with peace.
And if it's not possible to live in peace — and you know because you've done everything you can to create peace in a relationship, and nothing has changed — the goal is still the same: to live at peace with all people.
Wait, though. How can that happen, since we just said "it's not possible"?
Well, you may have to establish boundaries, and those boundaries can create peace. Even if it means removing your presence from a relationship.
I know this is hard. And if we don't have humility as the soil of our souls to protect our hearts, it causes our hearts to become stone-cold. But humility keeps our hearts soft. While the relationship may not be restored, we can still cherish the peace that we have internally and externally.
- Anything is possible in the Kingdom of God and by the power of God.
There is always hope for transformation, for a relationship to be restored in unexpected and inexplicable ways. But a key even to this is maintaining a humble heart that is receptive to this possibility.
Early on in my teenage years, I caused a lot of hurt for some people close to me. I acted out of selfishness, pride, arrogance, and a total disregard for others. As a result, those relationships became fractured and broken. I was the problem, I was the cause, and those people around me were the victims.
After a few years (and some needed maturing), I realized how destructive my behavior had been. I reached out to apologize to those people, acknowledging that the way I'd acted was unacceptable. For the majority of them, it was too little too late. The hurt had been too profound. While they did forgive me, the possibility of reconciliation was unlikely.
Fast-forward almost two decades later, and I ran into one of those old friends at an airport. We both had a layover and decided to grab some food together. We sat, we laughed, we caught up on life. In a surprising and unexpected way, God brought us back together. Since then we've slowly been building our relationship again. Two decades ago I never would have imagined this would be possible. And then I found myself in awe of how powerfully God had worked.
What did this require? Humility to own mistakes. Humility to accept boundaries that were placed on me (loss of relationship). Many of us may not have thought about how humility is necessary to be a recipient of boundaries. But we all will be on the giving or receiving end at some point, and humility is so valuable for us as we process through these situations. It also required the cultivation of humility as the soil of my Christian life to keep my heart soft and open to what God may do. I'm grateful and humbled that God worked the way he did. Restoration is never a guarantee, but when it does happen, it's such a kindness.
Even more powerful is that I was able to live in a state of peace because humility was my guide. There was peace through the loss of a relationship and the establishment of boundaries. There was peace as God restored and reconciled a relationship.
"Where there is humility, there is peace."
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