State Shame versus Trait Shame
The temporary state of feeling shame when we realize that we have lost standing in someone's eyes because we have done something wrong can be redemptive. As the theologian Lewis Smedes writes, "A healthy sense of shame is perhaps the surest sign of our divine origin and our human dignity. When we feel this sense of shame, we are feeling a nudge from our true selves."1
But feeling shame as a more permanent trait—a sense that we are fundamentally flawed and are unworthy and unlovable — is toxic and destructive.
Healthy shame can function like a proximity sensor on a car, signaling that we have veered off in the wrong direction so we can steer back toward our divine origin. In the beginning we were made in the image of God, and before "original sin" we experienced original glory.
If shame tells us that we are not living the way we were designed to live, then before sin came into the world, shame was not an emotion human beings experienced. According to Genesis, Adam and Even existed in the garden of Eden naked and without shame. They lived not only physically naked in each other's presence, but they were also psychologically and spiritually open and free with each other — a condition we've yearned for ever since.
But then sin and shame entered their story.
The very phrasing that Adam and Eve were both naked and felt no shame suggests that this emotion was about to enter their world. The biblical author could have written, "they were naked and happy," or "they were naked and at home with themselves and each other."2
Then Satan enters the garden of Eden and approaches Eve and Adam in the form of a serpent. When we hear the word "serpent," we might imagine a hideous creature slithering on its belly. But according to some biblical scholars, before the serpent was cursed, it may well have been the most dazzlingly beautiful creature in the garden.
Scripture tells us that Satan was once an angel of light, but one who apparently didn't feel like he was enough, so he aspired to be equal to God. This one who feels like he's not enough approaches Adam and Eve and insinuates that they are not enough either. He whispers, "You could be so much more if you eat of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. You will be just like God, knowing good from evil. You will be fulfilled and free!"
The serpent suggests that by forbidding them to eat from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, God doesn't have their best interests at heart — and literally and figuratively, Adam and Eve bite.
But do they become like God? Fulfilled and free? A better version of themselves?
No — immediately, they sense that something has been taken from them, and they experience a feeling they have never known before: shame. Their instinct is to hide. So they reach for fig leaves to cover themselves (Genesis 3:7). When we turn away from our creator — the source of all beauty, love, and joy — instead of feeling that we are more, we feel that we are less. And
even as we are turning away, we are longing to experience connection and belonging, to find someone who, despite our shame, will love us and say, "I am here, and I am not going anywhere."
Covering Ourselves
Like Adam and Eve, shame makes us feel vulnerable and exposed, and so we avert our gaze, looking down and away, or curl in on ourselves, making ourselves small. When we feel this way — whether at a conscious or unconscious level — we frantically try to do something to cover ourselves so we don't have to feel the pain of our shame.
Some of us may overwork as a way of covering our sense of deficiency. While I was in my twenties, I worked in the corporate world of Tokyo. My workday went from seven in the morning until just after eleven at night (including the commute time). In the shame and honor culture of Japan, "seven-eleven" men work long hours not only out of loyalty to the company but also to be seen by others as dutiful and hard-working.
Some of us might use sports as a way to cover ourselves. Growing up, I loved sports, especially informal games of hockey or football in the cul-de-sac in front of our home. But during high school, I began forming my identity around sports. I began to play sports as a way to earn respect and to impress girls who would otherwise not notice me.
Others might pursue knowledge and education as a kind of covering, a fig leaf to mask the nagging sense of not being enough. I have a brilliant and well-educated friend who has earned degrees from several prestigious schools and is a widely respected leader in his field. But in junior high, he was bullied because he wasn't athletic, and sports were valued above all else. In the schoolyard, he hid from his peers and soothed himself by silently repeating, "I'm smarter than you. I'm smarter than you. I'm smarter than you."
We can also use our ministry involvements to cover over our sense of inadequacy. Though I would love to say I have always engaged in my pastoral ministry solely for the glory of God and the good of others, if I am honest, I have to admit that a part of me has wanted to succeed in my vocation as a way to prove my worthiness.
We can also become religiously compulsive and obsessively conscientious as a way of masking our feelings of not being enough. Or we might cultivate a sculpted body, curate our image through social media, or try to raise accomplished children to cover up our inner shame.
- All these psychological fig leaves of being more athletic or musical, smarter or better educated, thinner or beefier, higher on the ladder of our profession, amassing money or travel experiences, or being morally upright may make us feel temporarily better, but none of them will bring us the lasting, confident contentment we are seeking.
Trappist monk Thomas Merton observed that we try to clothe our invisible, nonexistent self in an attempt to make our invisible self more objectively real.3 We wrap achievements, novel experiences, pleasures, and material possessions around ourselves like bandages, believing that these coverings will make our invisible selves more visible.4
Merton described this self that we are trying to create by what we do, have, or accomplish as our false self.5
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