#2. Are you resourced?
Do you possess what the person is asking for? That might include the finances, or the time, or energy required. So often, I see people giving what they can't afford to give, and then not being able to meet the demands of their lives. I have had to work with pastors whose families suffered because while Dad was helping everyone in the church, he wasn't around to be a parent and husband. Here are some sobering words:
Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. — 1 Timothy 5:8
We need to make sure we are resourcing ourselves for the priorities we have been tasked to do.
There is certainly always a case for sacrificial giving, as in the example of the woman who gave her last two coins (Mark 12:41-44). So pray, and make sure you consider if the sacrifice is one that God has surely called you to do.
#3. Do they have skin in the game?
In other words, are they also putting significant effort into solving the problem? This might involve going to job interviews, starting one's own microbusiness, putting a small percentage of money into an initiative and doing homework after a coaching session:
The one who is unwilling to work shall not eat. — 2 Thessalonians 3:10
When a person who is struggling simply receives that help passively, it tends to foster increased passivity and what psychologists call "learned helplessness." Learned helplessness is a sense that we don't have choices that matter, so we simply give up and don't take initiative or agency to solve our challenges. But when our efforts are part of the solution, we are strengthened and grow.
#4. Will you feel cheerful or will you feel reluctant or under compulsion?
This question is based on Paul's words about giving:
Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. — 2 Corinthians 9:7
Our emotions provide information for us. If we feel cheerful, then that's a sign that you are happy you made a good choice. If we feel reluctant (grudging) or under compulsion (guilt-ridden), that's a sign that you might need to rethink all of this.
#5. Is the outcome gratitude and autonomy, or entitlement and dependency?
This last question is based on your history with the person. What have been the results of your providing for them? Are they thankful and able to bear their burdens more? That's a good thing, and a positive sign that you may be doing the right thing. Or do they become entitled and demanding for more of your resource, and is their dependency on you increased? Not a good sign. Pay attention to the outcomes, or the fruit:
A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. — Matthew 7:18
If you have no giving history with the person, ask others who know them for their feedback.
Use these questions to clarify what the loving, but not enabling, path should be for yourself in your situation. Be sure to pray and ask safe friends what they think.
Finally, finally finally: if, after you have used this system, it's still murky, and you're unsure, then it might be best, in this particular situation, to default to grace. It's always the best place to be.
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