5. Learn their full story.
I've heard it said: "Everyone is fighting a battle you don't know about. Be kind always." What if the person who cut you off on the road is actually driving toward a family emergency? What if the person is dealing with mental health issues?
Leading with questions and curiosity instead of assumptions and statements goes a long way. During the height of anti-Asian hate crimes and racial tensions, I shared with my group my pain and frustration. I still remember this moment. One of the guys said, "I'm really new to this. Could you tell me more about AAPI [Asian Americans and Pacific Islanders]? What are some books you recommend? Can I ask you some personal questions to understand where you are coming from? I honestly don't understand it all."
This meant the world to me.
Understanding gives greater space for grace.
We must read and learn widely.
And for those who are close to us, watch out for the closeness-confirmation bias,1 where we unconsciously tune them out since we already know what they will think and say. Instead of being involved in people's evolving stories, we make assumptions that hinder us in honoring how they may have changed. If you hear words like "that's not what I said" or "you are not listening" often from your close friends, it's time to evaluate your posture. Are you operating out of curiosity or out of closeness-confirmation bias?
6. Listen well and validate.
Communication is so much more than words; in fact, it may be more nonverbal than verbal. Facial expressions, tone of voice, body posture, gestures, and physical distance all matter.
When conversing:
- Pay attention
- Make eye contact
- Ask pertinent questions
- Don't interrupt
I know this sounds like Communication 101, but we all get this wrong at times and need to work at it to improve. Dallas Willard famously said, "The first act of love is always the giving of attention."2 Asking "what's something you are looking forward to this upcoming year?" and making eye contact and being attentive to their answer offers an opportunity to bond and show empathy. Good listening helps to fight against any shame and fear of judgment in vulnerability.
Paying attention and recognizing other people's bids can be really helpful.3 Validation in listening is something I've learned more recently and have found valuable in my own journey of empathy.4
Often when we share, we are longing for someone on the other side to see and support us. Here are some examples of both validating and invalidating responses.
- VALIDATING RESPONSES: "Oh, wow, that sounds hard!" "That would also drive me crazy." "You put a lot of work into that." These acknowledge and offer helpful justification for what the person is going through.
- INVALIDATING RESPONSES: "You'll be fine." "Just suck it up." "It could be worse." These result in minimizing and dismissing the other person's situation and emotions.
As Jesus followers, we must also listen to the Spirit's leading. We do this because God is already at work in this individual and He knows best. So we pray: Jesus, help me to notice and obey the nudging of the Holy Spirit in this particular situation.
7. Learn and lean into their personality and preferences.
I have found Gary Chapman's book The Five Love Languages to be practical and helpful. The five "love languages" he describes are physical touch, quality time, gifts, words of affirmation, and acts of service. The point is that all of us receive and give love (and empathy) differently.
For example, I love receiving words of affirmation. When I'm not doing well, a few words of encouragement can bring me back to life. Especially when the words of affirmation are specific and nuanced, I feel seen and loved because that means the person cared enough to observe and take interest in my life.
Humans are much more complex than simply where they fall on the introvert-extrovert scale. Who we are is also defined by how we see and interact with the world (whether primarily from the head, heart, or gut), how we take in information, what our core fears and communication styles are, and so much more. When there is a greater awareness of our complex selves, our ability to lean in with others is much stronger, and we can be more thoughtful and honoring of the other person. The Myers-Briggs Temperament Indicator, the Enneagram, and the Big Five Personality Traits can be helpful assessments for building your awareness.
8. Give better options.
Generally, we mean well when we respond by saying: "Let me know if you need anything." However, this puts more responsibility on the recipient by requiring them to both think of their needs and reach out again. I have found it is more thoughtful and helpful to offer several suggestions and let them pick one or two. For example, offer to
- drop off some food this week,
- take their kids out to a park so they can get a small break, or
- gather some friends to talk and laugh together.
This shows that you've done some heavy lifting in thinking through what might be helpful and you are giving them the freedom to choose what would most benefit them.
9. Practice self-differentiation.
This comes down to our ability to identify and separate what is ours from theirs. This skill is needed for those who, in their efforts of empathy, have the tendency to become entangled in the other person's feelings, emotions, and situations. This requires boundary work where we learn and begin to practice not owning someone else's stuff in unhealthy ways (having a "savior complex," severe fatigue, and even burnout). This requires us to take some time for ourselves by journaling or taking a walk to ask, How am I doing? Is this my stuff or their stuff?
This reminds me of Paul's letter to the Galatian churches:
Carry each others' burdens [baros]... for each one should carry their own load [phortion]. — Galatians 6:2–5
On the surface, his words may sound contradictory but notice the two different Greek words that are used here. Baros in Greek refers to a heavy burden and weight that requires assistance. Phortion is more of a traveler's pack, a load that an individual can carry. Self-differentiation invites us to discern what we are called to be responsible for and what we are called to share and carry together.
I have found that working on one skill at a time is most effective. If we want to master any skill in cooking, musical instruments, or sports, we repeat it until it becomes natural to us. Which of these nine skills does it seem like God is inviting you to practice in this season?
How do you know if you're growing in empathy?
HERE IS THE TEST: People in distress come to you for comfort.
WE PRAY: Jesus, please enlarge my capacity to suffer with others well.
Now it's time to look at the last practice to cultivate belonging: accountability. This anchor triggers all sorts of emotions for people, and generally most are negative. But I believe it doesn't have to be, and though it can be the most dangerous and difficult practice, when done right, it offers belonging, community, and transformation in a deeper way than most anything else can.
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